Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
