I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
jump out the window naked night went bad
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