It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The best revenge is premature balding
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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