mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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