remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
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Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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