currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
