Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
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Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
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I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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