Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
