just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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