I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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