I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
