gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
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Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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