I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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