The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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