There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
