highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
