He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
