my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
