When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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