You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
