i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
why do cheetos always look like penises
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
