M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
