why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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