He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize