I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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