That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Randomize
