so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
