how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
