he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
