Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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