Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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