A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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