how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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