if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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