We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
