I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
