I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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