yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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