His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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