If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
