My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
