just survived the first fart of the relationship.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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