I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
