my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
