I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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