Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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