I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
