Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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