Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
