I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
