I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
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I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
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Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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