Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sorry my hands just texted you
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
