Don't make out with my wife yet
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
