I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
