the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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