I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize