On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She bit a glass in half.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
